G Dm
when I was six years old my sister Alyson
F C
Asked for a stove for her birthday
G Dm
a miniature one you could actually cook with
F C
and my mom was nice and she bought one
G Dm
alyson needed a reason to bake something
F C
barged in my room and she grabbed me, she said
G Dm
I made a cake and we’re going next door
F C
to Sam Weinstein’s and you’re getting married
G
the cake was burned
Dm
it tasted gross
F
she made me kiss him
C
on the mouth
G
now I am thirty three
Dm
unmarried happily
F C G
no plans in life and I’m planning to keep it that way
Dm
I do kissing with only one mission
F C
Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission
[Chorus: Use Single Chords]
G Dm
And I have already spent too much time
F C
doing things I didn’t want to
G Dm
So if I just wanna make out all the time
F C
You can bet your black ass that I’m going to
[Follow same pattern for the rest of the verses]
when i was nine i was kind of a loser
the kids in my class didn't like me
melanie chow was the meanest of all
and my mom made me go to her party
nobody talked to me i sat there quietly
drawing with crayons on a napkin
a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
her legs getting eaten by lions
the cake was good
i took some home
i had a party
in my room
now i have friends and i'm not such a loser
but i go to bars all alone and i sit there
and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people
yes that's how i like it
and i've already spent too much time
doing things i didn't want to
so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine
you can bet your black ass that i'm going to
[Bridge: Strum Slowly]
G Dm
Yes I come here often
F C
Sure, I’ll have another one
G Dm
Yes, I come here often
F C
Sure, I’ll have another one
But...
G Dm
And I have already spent too much time
F C
doing things I didn’t want to
G
So if I want to drink alone
Dm
dressed like a pirate
F
or look like a dyke
C
or wear high heels and lipstick
G
or hide in a convent
Dm
or try to be Mayor
F
or marry a writer
C
smoke crack and slash tires
G
Make jokes you don’t like
D
Or paint ducks and retire….
F C
YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I’M GOING TO
THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES
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